Missing her smile.....

A smile seems like such a simple thing; something one really does not have to think twice about. It's in that smile the joy is made known to those around. But what happens when you are really missing that smile? Causes you to not smile, too.

It breaks my heart. Amanda is such a precious gift to me and she is normally a fun-loving, goofy girl just living the life of a 15-year-old. But, her smile has been nearly absent for going on 3 weeks now. She hurts, aches, is nauseous....and no one knows why. Tension mounts as I allow the evil of stress overtake my mind. What is a mother to do? It is like we are ingrained to have heartache, pain, saddness  for the sake of our loved ones, especially our beautiful children. And, you know, that is exactly where I am right now! I would gladly take her suffering upon my own self to ensure she could get through her days pain free; that's not how the cycle works, though, unfortunately. A mother can dream though, right?

We tease Amanda saying she is a medical anomaly; no one can figure out what is going on with her body. But in reality, she is a medical mystery for sure. And, no I do not want that kind of diagnosis for my daughter. Medical mysteries are not for my child. No way! Uh, yes way....God does not promise us a life free of pain and sorrow. He just promises that He will be with us every step of the way, comforting us. Nothing more special than lying in our Father's embrace!

Therefore, with each medical mystery that arises for Amanda, I will trust God has her best interest in mind; I know He does. Fear is still there...that's a part of human life, but with God, those fears can be eased.

I did not sign up for this. There was no dotted line for me to perfect my Hancock and there was no instruction manual provided to me regarding the what to dos, the survival techniques, and the list of absolute answers. Nope, this woman did not sign up for a life of uncertainty, struggle, and pain. Where is my Cinderella fairytale? You know where the prince sweeps me off my feet and we live happily ever after? Where shall I ask is MY happily ever after? Just sitting in my palace being tended to, not being the tendee. I think with near certainty I DID sign up for that - a happily ever after without a care in the world!

And then it hits me, I DID sign up for this. From the very day I was knit together in my mother's womb, I was signed up and ready to begin this life, a life filled with heartache, sorrow and despair. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely times of great happiness, days of fun and laughter, it just seems like the negative "stuff" takes over and shadows the good times.

The moment my precious daughter was placed in my arms, I did sign up for this...the task of parenthood. And, when she turned 1 year old I dedicated her to the Lord vowing I would take care of this precious child He so entrusted me with --the best loan one could ever "apply" for. I was not saying that I would sign up only if things were easy and maybe go my way; no, it was the full deal...my girl is my girl, my gift from God, and no matter what the cost, I would care for her with my whole being. Sacrifice truly becomes a defining word in the life of a mother..without a doubt! Really, my life becomes not my own anymore, not once my girl came into my life. Raising a child is not a short-term commitment (you know..once you're 18 you're on your own) but rather a long-term commitment no matter how old your child gets. I can see myself now....holding my high school graduate...college graduate....no matter how big she gets. It's what a mama does!

So, to say I didn't sign up for this would be in my mind a lie. Indeed I signed up for motherhood and I didn't agree by bargaining with God saying my child this...my child that. I embraced motherhood no matter what would come my way.

I sit here today just staring nowhere wondering, crying, listening. I don't do these things for my sake, but in turn I do this for my daughter. I hate (yes I said that word!) to see her suffer and not have the answers for why she must suffer. God knows why she is enduring what she is because He created her even before time began. Enough said! Why do some people seem to suffer more than others? I do not know, and really it is not my place to question God. When I signed up for motherhood, it was a permanent contract I signed my name to....no questions asked.....no "buybacks"......no trades.....just a permanent contract I fully embrace and with God's grace will get through each moment one by one. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes question, I sometimes get angry....but God's grace truly is sufficient and His promises I will firmly stand upon all day, everyday. Period!

Just a moment please...

All I am asking for is just one moment. That's it. Just one little moment where maybe time would kindly rewind itself for me. Is that really too much to ask? Sometimes it is so difficult to comprehend how fast time really passes. It truly is fleeting in every definition of the word. When I see my girl now, I can't help but find myself reminiscing and longing for the days of yesteryear. Fifteen years ago when I heard the words it's a girl! and it was at that moment a mommy's love began to grow. How is it possible to love a little human being so much? God is the one who makes it possible. He gave me my precious daughter to love and cherish, and to raise in the way God desires. I am not going to deny that every day has been sheer bliss with my girl, but looking back, the good times really do outweigh the not so good ugly times. Please, just one more moment to cherish the days when dresses such as this:

were merely dress-up fun dresses.

But, now these fancy and frilly dresses mean more than just mommy dressing up her little girl. This little girl is spreading her wings now to fly. But how do I face the nest being empty all too soon? I can only face it with God's strength and guidance. Little girl dresses and pigtails and sparkles are but a memory forever etched in my heart. Singing together little songs like Twinkle Twinkle  and Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed have been replaced with (gasp) songs of the boy band, One Direction (and yep, this mom sings along with her in the car---how can I not; it's still memories being made). What melts this mom's heart though is to hear her girl singing songs for her Jesus - Wait for Me, Always, God's Not Dead, etc. Now that is music to my ear.

Time ticks, seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years....and there is no escaping it's forever march forward. 15 years ago, I thought high school was way, way off into the future; but where are we now? Junior year in high school. Can I take a moment and scream? No seriously, I really just want that one moment  where time just stops for me. Seeing your little 8-pound baby growing into a beautiful young woman really is an amazing moment. Makes my heart smile. Though I do long for the days gone by, I would never trade those days for the ones I am experiencing now. 

My precious Amanda, as I watched you sleep a few nights ago, my heart skipped a beat. You may be growing up, but no matter how old you get, you will forever be my little girl watching every episode of Arthur, wearing pigtails in your hair with matching outfits; my little girl who won my heart from that first newborn cry. It's you, my sweet Amanda, that I wish for that one moment in time, just one moment to snuggle you, kiss you, hug you...my little girl in pigtails and frilly dresses, I love you forever and for always! Never will a moment pass that my love for you doesn't get stronger----even if you are a crazy little monkey.

Pitter....patter

little feet run from here to there

exploring, curious, without a care.

Little feet leave their imprint

upon one's heart

right from the start

10 little toes

No one knows

in the beginning

where the tiny 10 will go

But there is one who does

For He created you.

May you always follow

His Divine path for you

Seeking His will

Your tiny feet will one day

carry you to where He designed you to be

Be patient, be curious, be obedient

For if you do

You will always go just where you were made to go.

ODE TO CHEEKS

Once upon a time (hey it's a sappy love story, what can I say?), two Warrior-crossed lovers met and fell in love..a simple love...a senior and sophomore love...love that began over flute playing and marching on a football field.

These two young kids were nearly inseparable (NEARLY is the key word here). And then it happened....the young boy thought the way to win a girl's heart is by giving her a special gift...so became Cheeks!

Oh sweet Cheeks. Such a special gift. One that would make any young girl swoon over the love of her life. Why not!? I mean for goodness sakes, wouldn't you swoon with a gift known as Cheeks? Now what or who is Cheeks? Ah ha, alas you must wait to find out.

Cheeks took up new residence in the young girl's home, much to her father's chagrin (psst...he was not really a bird lover, but for his daughter, endured) and much to her absolute delight. A new friendship began...Cheeks and the girl. Did Cheeks take the place of the young boy?! By golly, how dare one think such a thing! The young boy and young girl, high school sweethearts mind you, eventually married and (boo hoo) moved far, far away. And Cheeks, sigh, was left behind. For you see, the young boy and young girl were moving to the desolate cold land far far away where only Warrior-crossed lovers would go to stay (or if you had no choice but to go says the USAF); North Dakota became their home and Cheeks, well Cheeks continued to bask in the glory of the Arizona sun. Sadly Cheeks did not shed a tear, oh no, for Cheeks was perfectly content; the young girl however was saddened without Cheeks (and of course the father was saddened too that Cheeks still took up residence in the family home).

No room for Cheeks to go when the young boy and young girl returned and perhaps due to having had residence in the young girl's former home, Cheeks was stubborn and stayed. (goodness gracious).

The years have passed - 14 1/2 years of marriage and 3 children later the Warrior lovers have completed their family (unless perhaps you know an "oops" were to happen...hey now, you never know)...and yet Cheeks...well Cheeks still remains at the girl's childhood home. Cheeks is growing older and perhaps even does shed a tear when he calls out, "Hi Becky" or "Pretty Boy" and it's only a reflection that hears his cries (the parents hear Cheeks, but they have become accustomed to the sound).

Cheeks. Who is Cheeks? Cheeks is a cockatiel. Oh yea, he is. He is but a fine feathered friend, given to the young girl (who happens to be named Becky...what a coincidence, huh) from the young boy (Jake...whose mom raised cockatiels). Truly, what better way is there to win a girl's heart than through the gift of a little cockatiel.

Now we all know, life eventually comes to an end for every living thing on the planet. The day and time are unknown to us, but it happens. Cheeks was saying "Hi Becky" and "Pretty Boy" and then took his final breath. End is an era...the Cheeks era. Cheeks may you rest in peace as you fly with all your fellow birds who lived life free of captivity (and those who were held captive against their will...but sure make sweet pets for bird lovers alike).

Goodbye Cheeks. You'll be missed; yes indeed you will (maybe not by the father of the house, but hey.....)

CHEEKS "THE COCKATIEL" DILLE

DOB: WHENEVER YOUR EGG HATCHED

DOD: AUGUST 20, 2012

HaPpY 6tH bIrThDaY jEfFReY!!!!!!!

Six years ago. Are you serious!? Has it really been six years!! God has blessed me with so many sweet nieces and nephews to love. I couldn't be more thankful. Jeffrey is one of my sister's (Becky) youngest son. Her baby. The one we said was just too cute and had the cutest little baby voice (shhh...he still kinda has that cutesy little voice) and was not allowed to grow up! Ha! Of course we all know our little ones grow up into the beautiful children God created them each to be!

This past weekend we celebrated sweet Jeffrey's birthday at Peter Piper Pizza. I love going to the pizza places for birthday parties. Why? Because I get to see the joy on my nieces and nephews faces when they play the games and when they realize Aunt Anne DOES have extra tokens! :)

Jeffrey had so much fun at his party! What's not to love with pizza, soda, tokens, cake/cupcakes, and having all your cousins and family with you.
HAPPY 6TH BIRTHDAY JEFFREY!

SIX AWESOME THINGS ABOUT JEFFREY

*He is one of the sweetest little boys I know.
*He loves superheros!
*He loves to sing Chris Tomlin songs
*He still loves to cuddle with you
*He is definitely a mama's boy
*He will start kindergarten this school year!

HAPPY 6TH BIRTHDAY MY SWEET LITTLE JEFFY BOY! WE LOVE YOU!!

It's Been Nearly 2 weeks.....

It's been nearly 2 weeks now that my sweet Uncle Ray has been walking the streets of gold with our Jesus. To me it seems like it can't possibly be nearly 2 weeks; and yet to him, time has no meaning in heaven, just everlasting, unending time with Jesus. What does timeless really mean? We measure time based on hours, days, weeks, months, years. Remember as a kid thinking it's going to take forever for the next birthday to come around or Christmas is so far away? We measure time. That is how God created us...beings who experience time, know time, and believe time takes forever sometimes, and yet, through Jesus' eyes our "time" is but a blip on the radar as to what we will experience one day as believers when we walk through the gates of heaven. Wow! I truly can't grasp the reality of forever!? But then again, as humans we can't. Uncle Ray though now knows. He is living eternity...forever...neverending.

The sting of death is still ever present as humans, and I would be wrong to say I am not saddened with the passing of my Uncle. It hurts. It's sad. Jesus wept; so can (and do) I. But, the difference between my sadness and a non-believer...I have the assurance I will see my loved ones again and spend eternity with them in Paradise with God my God!

The picture above seems like it was taken an eternity ago! Amanda was blessed with an opportunity to get to meet my family in Illinois (whom of which I have not seen since I was a little girl when we moved here back in the 70s). Uncle Ray and Aunt Linda loved Amanda just like she was one of their own little ones. And, Amanda got along with everyone; she has as heart of love! I will forever cherish this picture as it is the only one...the one and only one I have of Amanda with my Uncle Ray and until we reach heaven, I will continue to cherish this picture...forever!

A Whisper in the Morning

Our lives here in this world are but a fleeting moment when one considers the concept of eternity. Eternity is something mankind cannot fully grasp. What is eternity; aside from the obvious...forever? I personally put my mind around what eternity truly means. Yes, I believe in eternity and long for that day when I see my Jesus face to face. Sometimes I find my heart wrestling...wrestling with the knowledge of knowing my loved ones who have gone before me have now glimpsed eternity and never, ever will they have to wonder what the true definition of eternity is; they are experiencing it!! They are, once again, made perfect in the image of God. Such an astounding concept...perfect, no more aches, pains, sorrows, or heartaches. And, until that day, not a single soul will ever achieve perfection for it’s impossible, unattainable, only to be achieved when the God of the Universe makes us whole again in eternity...with Him!

Sunday morning, July 15, 2012, began like none other. It was Sunday, the day to spend with my fellow brothers and sisters and worship our God. But, it was Saturday that began a journey for my sweet uncle. Battling lymphoma for many years, Uncle Ray was truly a man of integrity. He continued to love on his family – his beautiful wife, children, and being a grandpa was ever delightful for him! From afar, though many miles separated Uncle Ray from his sister and her family, he loved on us nonetheless. He was a hard worker; so much so, he worked until his body could no longer. He worked despite being ill; why? Because he loved my Aunt Linda dearly, passionately, and wanted to help support his family the way he knew a man should. This past Saturday morning, he knew. He knew. He heard the quiet whisper in the morning. Was there fear in his heart? Perhaps. But, if there was, it was only because we as humans cannot comprehend eternity. Fear of eternity with Jesus? No, I believe in that knowledge he found no fear. I believe he knew. I believe his heart yearned to tell his wife I love you just one more time; to tell his beloved children, grandchildren, mama and sister I love you...just one more time. Just one more time because I believe he knew Sunday was coming.

Sunday came. It dawned painted in all God’s divine glory; His perfect masterpiece. As life was going on, my beloved Uncle Ray exhaled his final breath this side of heaven and at 10:32 a.m. he walked into the arms of Jesus. Well done, good and faithful son....my uncle fell asleep one last time.

Death’s sting hurts...hurts really, really bad and yes indeed my heart is saddened with the passing of my Uncle Ray, but despite my human sadness I can rejoice in knowing he no longer hurts! The pains and sufferings of this world...gone! He has been made whole again, safe in the arms of Jesus.

Gone, yet not forgotten.
Safe in the arms of Jesus.
Resting in peace
Free of all pain and suffering
Made whole again
Such a wonder lies before him
Heaven.
Rejoicing with the Angels
Holy, holy, holy
At rest
in comfort
forever HIS
my beloved
Uncle Ray

Day 25....The Cycle is Broken

April 24, 2012 - Prayers are answered!

Day 25 was one we had hoped we never would have gotten to, but since we did, we had to get a game plan together. Emotions for me were running very high; and I know Amanda was frustrated with the continued pain and the HORRENDOUS nausea! So, since she was not eating or drinking much by day 24 and into day 25, I consulted with the PCH Neuro Team and after talking with them and talking with my daddy on the phone, and ultimately discussing it with Amanda, we decided to move forward with a nerve block. One catch - she had to do it without sedation! The neurologist told me they normally sedate children just because of the pain and the fact that the kids need to hold really still, but I don't think he knew who Amanda is :) I have to say I have never known anyone with as high a pain tolerance as she has (I was very tough and could handle a lot of pain, but I think she even surpasses me).

1:30pm came and the prep was all ready to go. Amanda had the nerve block performed with 2 injections into the occipital nerve region and then 4 injections in the frontal region (forehead). The most any of us in the room heard out of her was "ow". We did have to remind her to breathe, but she did it! I was amazed watching her! After the nerve block was complete, the migraine was G.O.N.E.! Down to about only 1% left. PRAISE!!! And we ultimately were able to come home on Day 25. The best part for me though? Seeing my girl smile and hearing her laugh again; this had been nearly absent for almost the entire month of April!

I am so blessed with the many people who covered Amanda in prayer during this horrible ordeal. I know God was totally in control and that He knew Day 25 would be THE DAY for the migraine cycle to break. Why did He choose to allow this migraine to go on for 25 days? We will probably never know, but I do know His plan is perfect! Part of His plan for Amanda's life was to have her in PCH right at that exact time. Amazing! Also, we had a nurse, named Rebecca, who happens to be a missionary who serves as a nurse in Africa! She gave us her card with her blog info on it so we can follow her when she gets back on the ship she serves on. One thing that really put a smile on my face...after the nurse left the room, I said to Amanda how cool it was that her nurse is a missionary. Amanda's response: "Maybe that is what I am supposed to do, mom. Be a missionary serving in the medical field."

So, who knows, perhaps God's plan was to plant that seed for a heart for mission work in Amanda. Perhaps one day I will have my girl serving God by being His hands and feet for the least of these...and that will begin with her serving at Navajo Nations this summer.

I don't know what the future holds for Amanda, but I do know one thing, God has THE PERFECT PLAN already being set in motion for His girl!


*Here are some pictures from the hospital stay. These are from when she was getting her PICC line (I didn't take any pics of the nerve block due to the sensitivity of the issue)


*PICC line supplies (blue
packing on the right held
all the necessary items to place
the PICC)


*PICC line has been successfully
inserted


* And now it is time to rest :)

Day 23....day 24....

If I didn't know any better, I would think the title would indicate a countdown to some fun event coming up, but reality kicks in and I realize that is the counting up of a migraine. Today starts day 24 of this migraine for Amanda. We received a glimpse of hope this morning when she indicated her migraine pain level had come down some...originally it had been a constant 9 out of 10 (10 being the worst pain ever) and now it is hovering between 7 to 8 out of 10. While it's frustrating to see that it hasn't dropped drastically, it is reassuring that we are turning the corner and the cycle has begun to break. Now, I sit and pray that the cycle continues breaking and we no longer need to have our "count up". Also, I know Amanda wants to be back home and in her own bed (well, so do I) holding her puppy and just being comfortable.

Amanda is one tough cookie! Last night they put a PICC line in to help with the administration of the meds and she had it placed "cold turkey"...no topical numbing, etc, and she watched the whole procedure take place! My girl is amazing to me!

I know God does not give us more than we can handle, but times such as these I sometimes wonder where my point of breaking is. Perhaps that is when the tears flow and I feel that ache in my heart. I'm human! But, when my composure is regained I once again rest in my Father's arms knowing there is a purpose to this pain and suffering. What the purpose is we may never know, but I know the plan is far greater than anything I could ever come up with.

So, as I sit and wait, I continue to pray for my princess...God's princess...praying the nasty migraine flees, cuz it just is not wanted at all!

A Room With A View?

Tonight I have a room with a view..whoo hooo...oh wait. The view is not "that" kind of view. This is a view no one wants or desires. Phoenix Children's offers my "view" tonight. I look out into the night and pray, Dear God, please take this migraine away from my girl. The view would be a whole lot better say if I was sitting on a balcony at a resort, but, for now that is not to be. The view I am allotted on this very evening is right where God's plan for my and Amanda's life intended us. Do I know why He would choose this view for us? No. In my human nature, I find myself wanting to cry out "why", but I know that I am not guaranteed an answer and perhaps may never know the answer as to "why" Amanda has had a migraine for 22 days. I can know that God's plan is perfect and I am right where He knew I would be even before time began. But, does that take away the pain of seeing my child suffer? Absolutely not! I would have to question my mothering if I didn't feel pain. So, I ask, is my "view" perfect tonight? By my standards, no; in God's plan, yes.

As a mother, it breaks my heart to see my precious daughter suffer with no relief. To hear her cries, to watch her sleeping, wondering what's going on in her head that is making this migraine relentless --heartbreaking. As I sit beside her hospital bed tonight, I thank God for blessing me with such a sweet young lady. God absolutely knew what He was doing when He gave her to me. I am not a perfect mom by any means and never will claim to be. I will claim to be a mother who is a sinner in need of a Savior...and I have that! I think of the words to a song Amanda wrote on my dry erase board at home when I was going through a very difficult time...

I believe Always, Always...

My Savior never fails...

Some might think God has failed me in this time of need, but on the contrary...He is lifting me up and carrying me every step of the way. His arms are wrapped around me and Amanda at the exact same time! How cool is that!?! And on that note, I will rest assured tonight that God has it all under control.

A Mother's Cry

Dear God,

It breaks my heart to see my precious Amanda suffering in so much pain, Father. I am doing all that I can, but Lord, I really feel like I am failing my little girl. Yes, no matter how old she gets, she will always be my little girl :). You have entrusted me to take care of her, Father, and yet, right now I feel so confused as to what to do for her. I know "technically" the next step is the hospital, but Father I am trying everything, everything to keep her from having to go spend more time in the hospital. No child, or anyone for that matter, desires to be in hospital; yet, You have created that as place to aid the suffering. Lord, how do I know I am making the right decision right now for my girl, Your princess? It hurts. It hurts so bad to see her suffer and for her to think mommy doesn't care. I care immensely for my sweet Amanda and want nothing more than for this migraine to just break and give all glory to You for breaking this vicious cycle.

Lord, you tell us that You have a perfect plan for us. You tell us that the path is narrow, but that You will help guide us every step of the way - keeping our eyes fixed upon You. Such as Peter when he tried to walk on water. He did it as long as his eyes were focused solely on You, Lord. But, when his human nature took over, he panicked and started to sink. Lord, I feel that way right now, like I am Peter trying to put all my focus directly on You, but I feel like I am sinking. My heart aches. I want to cry, yet I know I need to be strong for Amanda. Again, I know You have THE perfect plan, but Father why can I not grasp what the plan is for Amanda during this time? Oh Father, I hurt and yet I trust you completely that You have her best interest in Your hands. But Father...21 days...14 years old? Please help calm this mama's heart and please wrap Your arms around my little girl.

Amen


My Sweet Amanda,

Mama's heart aches for you my sweet little lady. I cannot fathom the pain you must be enduring, and yet you never, ever ask "why me". Little lady you truly amaze me with your steadfastness and love in your Lord Jesus Christ. I know you don't understand the "why" regarding all the medical ailments you have endured in your life; little one, neither do I. But as believers, we are not guaranteed to know the "why" we are to just trust, and Amanda, your trust and faith astound me. You are Jesus' princess. He created you and knows everything about you. He knows all the aches, the pain, the feelings of "yucky"; and He knows my heart breaking to see you hurt. Jesus does not "cause" you to hurt, sweet girl; pain and suffering unfortunately are part of this fallen world we live in and until the day we go home to our Mansion in the sky, we will continue to have trials, tribulations, suffering and pain, but remember Jesus is walking hand in hand with you every step of the way, and when you just feel like you can't go on, He carries you. Also, I am here right beside you, too. You hold a place in my heart that no one...I mean no one will ever fill. It's yours!

I love you. You mean so much to me and you are truly God's blessing to my life.

~Mom

Good Friday

Good Friday....As My Jesus took each one of those painful steps towards the cross where He bore my sins..each step He took, I was on His mind on His heart...with each step a teardrop fell and blood flowed down His brow..with each step He took on that dusty Calvary road..one by one those steps said I Love You! Imagine! Would you be willing to die for the one you love? Jesus did. And, when He cried ...out It's finished...my burden was lifted, my sins forgiven. You see, 2000 years ago My Jesus loved me enough to die for me, and for you. The gift of eternal life is free, go ahead..answer the knock on your heart's door, for you see, each of those Calvary steps were whispering I love you to both you and me.

Transformation from Karate Kid to Amazing Young Lady

Tonight is Amanda's Valentine's dance and she was really excited about going. It has been crazy this afternoon/evening. She had karate practice for 3 hours this afternoon and came away with scrapes, bruises, and just plain exhausted. But when we got home, she went from karate kid preparing for her brown belt (test tomorrow) to Young Lady. Mom stays out of the way until beckoned (I have a teen, enough said). She had me do her hair for her, which is about the only thing she will let me do with preparation for the dance; oh, that and cutting the tag out of the dress (you know, because it itches). She even had a moment of freaking out when she asked me if her dress went past her knees; she didn't want the scrapes to show :) Crisis resolved when dress went below her knees! So, dress is on, toenails painted, and my princess is all ready to head to the dance. Thus, my "photo op" went like this:

*my karate kid after practice - hot, sweaty, tired, and of course eating a bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos.

...to this, a beautiful young lady created just the way God designed.

I love you my Sweet Amanda Victoria!



Have fun tonight with your friends!
Love,
Mom

Hospital Time = No Fun

This past week has been crazy insane! There is no better way to put it. In fact, the last several weeks since coming home from Christmas in Oregon has been crazy. But, isn't that how life typically is?

This week has been one of frustration for Amanda, and for me, too, as her mom. Seeing your child hurt and being unable to help them is not a fun situation to be in. Amanda suffers from migraines (just like her mama), which I feel so horrible for her. I would never wish it upon anyone to have migraines. Amanda's migraines have been very well controlled for 2 years, from when she was first hospitalized with them at the start of her diagnosis.

Monday started off as a typical day but by afternoon time Amanda was hit with a migraine. And this migraine proved to be a bear!! Nothing we did could control it and break its vicious cycle, and ultimately after spending 14 hours in the Phx Children's ER, Amanda was admitted to the hospital for IV pain meds (after 14 hours of pain meds in the ER, too) and so we settled in, even though neither of us really wanted to be there.

We have the most AMAZING neurologist who truly cares for her patients and wants what is best for each one individually. We opted to keep Amanda and extra night in the hospital, (decision made by the doctor and I) and would reevaluate how she was doing on Saturday (today).

So, after day 6 of a migraine, it is still not totally gone, but has diminished in intensity considerably, from a 10 to a 5. As a result, we will be going home to have close outpatient monitoring on prescription meds.

These past several days has been a test of my faith in God. I prayed more fervently than I have ever prayed in a long time. Don't get me wrong, prayer is very much a part of my life, but I definitely "hit the floor" starting Thurs for Amanda's healing and for NOT staying in the hospital. But, as my life verse says, For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord...., God's will ultimately was for Amanda to stay in the hospital to get aggressive care that would be impossible to have outside the hospital. I am not upset with God's will; I embrace His will in everything to the best of my ability. Despite all the tears cried and the feeling of deep despair I endured, I knew I was not alone, and I knew Amanda was not alone. Each tear I cried fell right where they were intended to fall, down my cheeks right into the hands of God.

Amanda is not out of the woods 100% yet, but making great progress!

My God is faithful, and truly has the perfect plan for each of our lives!

What's a girl supposed to do?

The life of a child is supposed to be one filled with excitement, fun times, and just all around great memories being made. But, what is a child to do when life throws them a curveball and says to not only be a child, but also deal with this, and this, and oh a little bit of that, too? That child just perseveres and displays a sense of strength and beauty despite what they are enduring.

Amanda is such an amazing young lady. Perhaps I am a little biased being her mom and all, but truthfully, she awes me with her determination in all things no matter what is thrown her way. She has endured more than some people endure in their lifetime, yet she is a trooper through and through. I can remember as a child pushing through when I did not feel well, etc and even into my teen years I just kept pushing. Nothing was going to slow me down unless illness just really knocked me off my feet. My girl? she is just the same way, but multiply that by 10!

Going on day 3 of a migraine, she has endured and went to school, only coming home yesterday early by just a couple of hours. Now, this is not to say she is "happy" with me telling her she just needs to try to get through her day, but she is learning how to cope (a life lesson I am trying to teach her for when she is in her adult years and the fact that everything can't put life on hold for you). Also, since September 2011, she has had excruciating back pain that has endured even until now. I say this pain is a blessing in disguise because due to this pain, she was seen by specialists and two other issues were found (thankfully treatable); had the back pain not flared, who knows how long she would have gone on suffering in "silence". And, finally, the potential culprit of her back pain most likely has been discovered--scoliosis! Wow, I didn't see that coming. Even me, with an untrained x-ray reading eye, could see the curve in her spine. Just how curved, to what degree? we will find out the end of this month. Through this all, what does my girl do? she perseveres and simply amazes her mom.

I have truly been blessed with such an amazing young lady. I am proud to call her daughter!

Amanda Victoria, mommy loves you and you inspire me through all that you have endured in your life thus far. God has an amazing plan for your life, and this is all part of His plan. Why we have to suffer is only due to the fall of man and sin. But, young lady, you are simply amazing! I love you!