I did not sign up for this. There was no dotted line for me to perfect my
Hancock and there was no instruction manual provided to me regarding the
what to dos, the survival techniques, and the list of absolute answers. Nope, this woman did not sign up for a life of uncertainty, struggle, and pain. Where is my Cinderella fairytale? You know where the prince sweeps me off my feet and we live happily ever after? Where shall I ask is MY happily ever after? Just sitting in my palace being tended to, not being the tendee. I think with near certainty I DID sign up for that - a happily ever after without a care in the world!
And then it hits me, I DID sign up for this. From the very day I was knit together in my mother's womb, I was signed up and ready to begin this life, a life filled with heartache, sorrow and despair. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely times of great happiness, days of fun and laughter, it just seems like the negative "stuff" takes over and shadows the good times.
The moment my precious daughter was placed in my arms, I did sign up for this...the task of parenthood. And, when she turned 1 year old I dedicated her to the Lord vowing I would take care of this precious child He so entrusted me with --the best loan one could ever "apply" for. I was not saying that I would sign up only if things were easy and maybe go my way; no, it was the full deal...my girl is my girl, my gift from God, and no matter what the cost, I would care for her with my whole being. Sacrifice truly becomes a defining word in the life of a mother..without a doubt! Really, my life becomes not my own anymore, not once my girl came into my life. Raising a child is not a short-term commitment (you know..once you're 18 you're on your own) but rather a long-term commitment no matter how old your child gets. I can see myself now....holding my high school graduate...college graduate....no matter how big she gets. It's what a mama does!
So, to say I didn't sign up for this would be in my mind a lie. Indeed I signed up for motherhood and I didn't agree by bargaining with God saying my child this...my child that. I embraced motherhood no matter what would come my way.
I sit here today just staring nowhere wondering, crying, listening. I don't do these things for my sake, but in turn I do this for my daughter. I hate (yes I said that word!) to see her suffer and not have the answers for why she must suffer. God knows why she is enduring what she is because He created her even before time began. Enough said! Why do some people seem to suffer more than others? I do not know, and really it is not my place to question God. When I signed up for motherhood, it was a permanent contract I signed my name to....no questions asked.....no "buybacks"......no trades.....just a permanent contract I fully embrace and with God's grace will get through each moment one by one. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes question, I sometimes get angry....but God's grace truly is sufficient and His promises I will firmly stand upon all day, everyday. Period!
It breaks my heart. Amanda is such a precious gift to me and she is normally a fun-loving, goofy girl just living the life of a 15-year-old. But, her smile has been nearly absent for going on 3 weeks now. She hurts, aches, is nauseous....and no one knows why. Tension mounts as I allow the evil of stress overtake my mind. What is a mother to do? It is like we are ingrained to have heartache, pain, saddness for the sake of our loved ones, especially our beautiful children. And, you know, that is exactly where I am right now! I would gladly take her suffering upon my own self to ensure she could get through her days pain free; that's not how the cycle works, though, unfortunately. A mother can dream though, right?
