A Whisper in the Morning

Our lives here in this world are but a fleeting moment when one considers the concept of eternity. Eternity is something mankind cannot fully grasp. What is eternity; aside from the obvious...forever? I personally put my mind around what eternity truly means. Yes, I believe in eternity and long for that day when I see my Jesus face to face. Sometimes I find my heart wrestling...wrestling with the knowledge of knowing my loved ones who have gone before me have now glimpsed eternity and never, ever will they have to wonder what the true definition of eternity is; they are experiencing it!! They are, once again, made perfect in the image of God. Such an astounding concept...perfect, no more aches, pains, sorrows, or heartaches. And, until that day, not a single soul will ever achieve perfection for it’s impossible, unattainable, only to be achieved when the God of the Universe makes us whole again in eternity...with Him!

Sunday morning, July 15, 2012, began like none other. It was Sunday, the day to spend with my fellow brothers and sisters and worship our God. But, it was Saturday that began a journey for my sweet uncle. Battling lymphoma for many years, Uncle Ray was truly a man of integrity. He continued to love on his family – his beautiful wife, children, and being a grandpa was ever delightful for him! From afar, though many miles separated Uncle Ray from his sister and her family, he loved on us nonetheless. He was a hard worker; so much so, he worked until his body could no longer. He worked despite being ill; why? Because he loved my Aunt Linda dearly, passionately, and wanted to help support his family the way he knew a man should. This past Saturday morning, he knew. He knew. He heard the quiet whisper in the morning. Was there fear in his heart? Perhaps. But, if there was, it was only because we as humans cannot comprehend eternity. Fear of eternity with Jesus? No, I believe in that knowledge he found no fear. I believe he knew. I believe his heart yearned to tell his wife I love you just one more time; to tell his beloved children, grandchildren, mama and sister I love you...just one more time. Just one more time because I believe he knew Sunday was coming.

Sunday came. It dawned painted in all God’s divine glory; His perfect masterpiece. As life was going on, my beloved Uncle Ray exhaled his final breath this side of heaven and at 10:32 a.m. he walked into the arms of Jesus. Well done, good and faithful son....my uncle fell asleep one last time.

Death’s sting hurts...hurts really, really bad and yes indeed my heart is saddened with the passing of my Uncle Ray, but despite my human sadness I can rejoice in knowing he no longer hurts! The pains and sufferings of this world...gone! He has been made whole again, safe in the arms of Jesus.

Gone, yet not forgotten.
Safe in the arms of Jesus.
Resting in peace
Free of all pain and suffering
Made whole again
Such a wonder lies before him
Heaven.
Rejoicing with the Angels
Holy, holy, holy
At rest
in comfort
forever HIS
my beloved
Uncle Ray

Day 25....The Cycle is Broken

April 24, 2012 - Prayers are answered!

Day 25 was one we had hoped we never would have gotten to, but since we did, we had to get a game plan together. Emotions for me were running very high; and I know Amanda was frustrated with the continued pain and the HORRENDOUS nausea! So, since she was not eating or drinking much by day 24 and into day 25, I consulted with the PCH Neuro Team and after talking with them and talking with my daddy on the phone, and ultimately discussing it with Amanda, we decided to move forward with a nerve block. One catch - she had to do it without sedation! The neurologist told me they normally sedate children just because of the pain and the fact that the kids need to hold really still, but I don't think he knew who Amanda is :) I have to say I have never known anyone with as high a pain tolerance as she has (I was very tough and could handle a lot of pain, but I think she even surpasses me).

1:30pm came and the prep was all ready to go. Amanda had the nerve block performed with 2 injections into the occipital nerve region and then 4 injections in the frontal region (forehead). The most any of us in the room heard out of her was "ow". We did have to remind her to breathe, but she did it! I was amazed watching her! After the nerve block was complete, the migraine was G.O.N.E.! Down to about only 1% left. PRAISE!!! And we ultimately were able to come home on Day 25. The best part for me though? Seeing my girl smile and hearing her laugh again; this had been nearly absent for almost the entire month of April!

I am so blessed with the many people who covered Amanda in prayer during this horrible ordeal. I know God was totally in control and that He knew Day 25 would be THE DAY for the migraine cycle to break. Why did He choose to allow this migraine to go on for 25 days? We will probably never know, but I do know His plan is perfect! Part of His plan for Amanda's life was to have her in PCH right at that exact time. Amazing! Also, we had a nurse, named Rebecca, who happens to be a missionary who serves as a nurse in Africa! She gave us her card with her blog info on it so we can follow her when she gets back on the ship she serves on. One thing that really put a smile on my face...after the nurse left the room, I said to Amanda how cool it was that her nurse is a missionary. Amanda's response: "Maybe that is what I am supposed to do, mom. Be a missionary serving in the medical field."

So, who knows, perhaps God's plan was to plant that seed for a heart for mission work in Amanda. Perhaps one day I will have my girl serving God by being His hands and feet for the least of these...and that will begin with her serving at Navajo Nations this summer.

I don't know what the future holds for Amanda, but I do know one thing, God has THE PERFECT PLAN already being set in motion for His girl!


*Here are some pictures from the hospital stay. These are from when she was getting her PICC line (I didn't take any pics of the nerve block due to the sensitivity of the issue)


*PICC line supplies (blue
packing on the right held
all the necessary items to place
the PICC)


*PICC line has been successfully
inserted


* And now it is time to rest :)

Day 23....day 24....

If I didn't know any better, I would think the title would indicate a countdown to some fun event coming up, but reality kicks in and I realize that is the counting up of a migraine. Today starts day 24 of this migraine for Amanda. We received a glimpse of hope this morning when she indicated her migraine pain level had come down some...originally it had been a constant 9 out of 10 (10 being the worst pain ever) and now it is hovering between 7 to 8 out of 10. While it's frustrating to see that it hasn't dropped drastically, it is reassuring that we are turning the corner and the cycle has begun to break. Now, I sit and pray that the cycle continues breaking and we no longer need to have our "count up". Also, I know Amanda wants to be back home and in her own bed (well, so do I) holding her puppy and just being comfortable.

Amanda is one tough cookie! Last night they put a PICC line in to help with the administration of the meds and she had it placed "cold turkey"...no topical numbing, etc, and she watched the whole procedure take place! My girl is amazing to me!

I know God does not give us more than we can handle, but times such as these I sometimes wonder where my point of breaking is. Perhaps that is when the tears flow and I feel that ache in my heart. I'm human! But, when my composure is regained I once again rest in my Father's arms knowing there is a purpose to this pain and suffering. What the purpose is we may never know, but I know the plan is far greater than anything I could ever come up with.

So, as I sit and wait, I continue to pray for my princess...God's princess...praying the nasty migraine flees, cuz it just is not wanted at all!

A Room With A View?

Tonight I have a room with a view..whoo hooo...oh wait. The view is not "that" kind of view. This is a view no one wants or desires. Phoenix Children's offers my "view" tonight. I look out into the night and pray, Dear God, please take this migraine away from my girl. The view would be a whole lot better say if I was sitting on a balcony at a resort, but, for now that is not to be. The view I am allotted on this very evening is right where God's plan for my and Amanda's life intended us. Do I know why He would choose this view for us? No. In my human nature, I find myself wanting to cry out "why", but I know that I am not guaranteed an answer and perhaps may never know the answer as to "why" Amanda has had a migraine for 22 days. I can know that God's plan is perfect and I am right where He knew I would be even before time began. But, does that take away the pain of seeing my child suffer? Absolutely not! I would have to question my mothering if I didn't feel pain. So, I ask, is my "view" perfect tonight? By my standards, no; in God's plan, yes.

As a mother, it breaks my heart to see my precious daughter suffer with no relief. To hear her cries, to watch her sleeping, wondering what's going on in her head that is making this migraine relentless --heartbreaking. As I sit beside her hospital bed tonight, I thank God for blessing me with such a sweet young lady. God absolutely knew what He was doing when He gave her to me. I am not a perfect mom by any means and never will claim to be. I will claim to be a mother who is a sinner in need of a Savior...and I have that! I think of the words to a song Amanda wrote on my dry erase board at home when I was going through a very difficult time...

I believe Always, Always...

My Savior never fails...

Some might think God has failed me in this time of need, but on the contrary...He is lifting me up and carrying me every step of the way. His arms are wrapped around me and Amanda at the exact same time! How cool is that!?! And on that note, I will rest assured tonight that God has it all under control.

A Mother's Cry

Dear God,

It breaks my heart to see my precious Amanda suffering in so much pain, Father. I am doing all that I can, but Lord, I really feel like I am failing my little girl. Yes, no matter how old she gets, she will always be my little girl :). You have entrusted me to take care of her, Father, and yet, right now I feel so confused as to what to do for her. I know "technically" the next step is the hospital, but Father I am trying everything, everything to keep her from having to go spend more time in the hospital. No child, or anyone for that matter, desires to be in hospital; yet, You have created that as place to aid the suffering. Lord, how do I know I am making the right decision right now for my girl, Your princess? It hurts. It hurts so bad to see her suffer and for her to think mommy doesn't care. I care immensely for my sweet Amanda and want nothing more than for this migraine to just break and give all glory to You for breaking this vicious cycle.

Lord, you tell us that You have a perfect plan for us. You tell us that the path is narrow, but that You will help guide us every step of the way - keeping our eyes fixed upon You. Such as Peter when he tried to walk on water. He did it as long as his eyes were focused solely on You, Lord. But, when his human nature took over, he panicked and started to sink. Lord, I feel that way right now, like I am Peter trying to put all my focus directly on You, but I feel like I am sinking. My heart aches. I want to cry, yet I know I need to be strong for Amanda. Again, I know You have THE perfect plan, but Father why can I not grasp what the plan is for Amanda during this time? Oh Father, I hurt and yet I trust you completely that You have her best interest in Your hands. But Father...21 days...14 years old? Please help calm this mama's heart and please wrap Your arms around my little girl.

Amen


My Sweet Amanda,

Mama's heart aches for you my sweet little lady. I cannot fathom the pain you must be enduring, and yet you never, ever ask "why me". Little lady you truly amaze me with your steadfastness and love in your Lord Jesus Christ. I know you don't understand the "why" regarding all the medical ailments you have endured in your life; little one, neither do I. But as believers, we are not guaranteed to know the "why" we are to just trust, and Amanda, your trust and faith astound me. You are Jesus' princess. He created you and knows everything about you. He knows all the aches, the pain, the feelings of "yucky"; and He knows my heart breaking to see you hurt. Jesus does not "cause" you to hurt, sweet girl; pain and suffering unfortunately are part of this fallen world we live in and until the day we go home to our Mansion in the sky, we will continue to have trials, tribulations, suffering and pain, but remember Jesus is walking hand in hand with you every step of the way, and when you just feel like you can't go on, He carries you. Also, I am here right beside you, too. You hold a place in my heart that no one...I mean no one will ever fill. It's yours!

I love you. You mean so much to me and you are truly God's blessing to my life.

~Mom

Good Friday

Good Friday....As My Jesus took each one of those painful steps towards the cross where He bore my sins..each step He took, I was on His mind on His heart...with each step a teardrop fell and blood flowed down His brow..with each step He took on that dusty Calvary road..one by one those steps said I Love You! Imagine! Would you be willing to die for the one you love? Jesus did. And, when He cried ...out It's finished...my burden was lifted, my sins forgiven. You see, 2000 years ago My Jesus loved me enough to die for me, and for you. The gift of eternal life is free, go ahead..answer the knock on your heart's door, for you see, each of those Calvary steps were whispering I love you to both you and me.

Transformation from Karate Kid to Amazing Young Lady

Tonight is Amanda's Valentine's dance and she was really excited about going. It has been crazy this afternoon/evening. She had karate practice for 3 hours this afternoon and came away with scrapes, bruises, and just plain exhausted. But when we got home, she went from karate kid preparing for her brown belt (test tomorrow) to Young Lady. Mom stays out of the way until beckoned (I have a teen, enough said). She had me do her hair for her, which is about the only thing she will let me do with preparation for the dance; oh, that and cutting the tag out of the dress (you know, because it itches). She even had a moment of freaking out when she asked me if her dress went past her knees; she didn't want the scrapes to show :) Crisis resolved when dress went below her knees! So, dress is on, toenails painted, and my princess is all ready to head to the dance. Thus, my "photo op" went like this:

*my karate kid after practice - hot, sweaty, tired, and of course eating a bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos.

...to this, a beautiful young lady created just the way God designed.

I love you my Sweet Amanda Victoria!



Have fun tonight with your friends!
Love,
Mom